Listen
by piratewench78
Summary: A short story about what happens after Maddie finds Teddy's paternity test. AU
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I'm stretching out the timeline here a little bit, because too much happened all in one day, it seemed like, and I felt like it needed to breathe a little bit.**

**LISTEN**

She felt like she couldn't breathe. Teddy and Maddie had just left and now she felt like her whole world had just turned upside down. She sat down on the couch in the den, wrapping her arms around herself, and began to shake. She hadn't been able to allow herself to give in to all her emotions while she tried to figure out what to do. When the production assistant at the CMA's told her she had forty seconds, she knew she had less than that to gather up all the pain and anxiety and panic she felt and put them all in a box and wrap it up tightly. She could pull it out later, after she had righted her ship.

She had walked out on the CMA stage, her head held high, a smile on her face, and no hint that her world had just blown up not even five minutes earlier. Deacon had found out about Maddie and he was, understandably, angry. Probably hurt and humiliated too, if she was honest with herself. He'd stormed out of her dressing room and her first instinct was to follow him. But she couldn't. She had a daughter at home who, based on this, was probably hurt and confused and angry too. And so she had been professional, walking out on the stage to announce the Duo of the Year. Juliette wasn't there so her opening had been changed on the fly and she had had to rely on the teleprompter. Which was probably a good thing, since her mind was moving too fast for her to even remember what they were originally supposed to say.

She had announced the nominees, then smiled as she announced that Thompson Square had won. She waited for them to come up and collect the award and then exit the stage. At that point, she hurried as fast as she could on high heels to her dressing room. She practically ripped off her dress, changed into the clothes she'd worn to the event, and then left via car service. Everything that had happened since was her worst nightmare come true. She put her face in her hands and then bent down and cried, choking, painful sobs, and wondered if anything would ever be the same again.

* * *

"Mom? Mom?" Her eyes snapped open and she was looking into Daphne's worried face. She must have fallen asleep on the couch. She blinked and then sat up. She was pretty sure she looked wretched. Daphne looked concerned. "Why are you down here?" she asked, sounding a little afraid. "And where's Maddie?"

At the mention of Maddie's name, the pain and hurt started to bubble up in her chest and she fought to stay calm, for Daphne's sake. She tried to smile and patted the seat next to her. Daphne sat and she reached for her hand. She breathed in deeply, as she scrambled for what to say. She swallowed and breathed in again. Then she looked at Daphne, who had a serious look on her face. "Well, honey, I guess she just wasn't as happy as I thought about me dating again and she called your father and asked him to come get her." It was the closest thing she could say to the truth and not completely lose it.

Daphne frowned. "But why? I thought she loved Deacon."

She could feel herself losing control and fought to stay calm. Her brain still wasn't working completely and her thoughts were flying around in her head. "She still does, sweetie, but I just think she's feeling confused right now." She breathed in again and sat up straighter. She didn't want to tell Daphne what was going on just yet. She needed to see Maddie first, try to help her start to figure this out, and then she could tell Daphne what was going on. "I think _you_ need to get ready for school. And I think _I_ need a shower and a change of clothes."

Daphne smiled then and nodded. "You have glitter on your face, Mom," she said.

She reached up and touched one cheek. "I do?" She smiled at Daphne. "Then I think I really do need to get a shower." She pointed at her daughter. "You, my sweet, get some breakfast and then get dressed. I'll be ready to take you to school, okay?" Daphne nodded and then got up and headed for the kitchen. She got up then and headed upstairs.

* * *

She looked at herself in the mirror. Daphne was right. The glitter from her eye shadow was streaked down her cheeks. She touched it almost absentmindedly. Her hair was disheveled and her eyes were red from crying. Her body ached from sleeping on the couch. As she walked into the bathroom, she shed her clothes and took the pins from her hair, dropping everything on the floor. She started the water in the shower and, when it was warm enough, stepped in. Tears were welling up in her eyes and she let them come as she tried washing the horror of the night before away.

* * *

By the time she walked downstairs, she was feeling more clearheaded but no less anguished. She kept her performance face on as she hustled Daphne into the car and took her to school. After dropping her daughter off, she looked around, wondering if Maddie would be at school. She thought she probably would not. She reached for her phone and tried Deacon again. _This is Deacon. Leave me a message._ She felt sobs trying to surface. She'd called him the night before – on her way home from the CMA's, after Teddy and Maddie left, several more times before she apparently fell asleep – and again that morning, to no avail. That old feeling, one she hadn't felt in years, started to snake up her chest. _What if he's been drinking? What if he left last night and is drinking?_ The idea that all of what had happened in the last twelve hours had been too much for him to handle both devastated and terrified her.

* * *

She closed the back door when Cole left and felt the overwhelming anguish wash over her. She couldn't help the tears on her face, the ache in her soul. She was still hoping he'd just gone to the cabin or someplace else. She didn't think she could face it if he was drinking again. She felt the rock hard knot in her stomach. Just thinking about it made her feel sick to her stomach, as she was reminded how dark life was back when Deacon couldn't control his drinking.

She started to pace, not sure she could sit still. She wrapped her arms around her waist and shivered. It had taken several years before she had been able to free herself from the memories of what it had been like during Deacon's darkest times. She would alternate between feeling frantic and being angry. Anger almost always came first, when she couldn't understand how he kept falling back in the same hole, when all that he'd learned in rehab would fail him. When she couldn't find him or, when she did, he was unresponsive. But she worried too. Worried he'd kill himself or others, worried that she would wake up one morning and he would have died during the night. She desperately tried to hold him close, which only made him angry and resentful. And then they would fight, about her trying to control him, about him not facing his demons. He would demand she leave him alone. She would demand he quit letting himself fall back into the same trap.

And there was the fear, which incorporated all of that. Her fear that he wouldn't wake up. Her fear that he would be in an accident. Her sheer terror at the thought of losing him. Because she _couldn't_ lose him. For all his flaws, for all the agony he caused her, for all that she had to cover up for him, apologize for him, lie for him, she couldn't let him go. _Wouldn't_ let him go. Because she was more afraid of what would happen to him if she wasn't there.

After the accident when Vince died, she lost control of him. She was terrified all the time. She wondered sometimes what people would think if they saw behind the façade she showed the world. She'd always been fiercely private, which served her well during the darkest times with Deacon. She pulled a curtain around their lives and protected him as best she could. It weighed heavily though. She lost weight, she had headaches all the time, she felt wrung out. The stress of it was eating her alive. Her glam squad worked overtime to cover up the dark circles and the pallidness of her skin. And they worked miracles when the long strands of her hair were found more and more in her comb or brush. She was embarrassed that she had to down a shot of whiskey to get the shakiness in her hands to go away. She couldn't sleep, constantly waking up to check to see if Deacon were still breathing. Or still in their bed at all.

Her heart ached as she remembered the look on his face, the tears in his eyes, as she told him what she'd done, back when she'd found out she was pregnant. That hadn't been how she would have wanted him to find out. But she couldn't honestly say she had really ever thought about all that – how she'd tell him, when she'd tell him, or even _if_ she would ever have told him. The longer it had gone on, the harder it would have been to have not only figured out how to tell him the truth, but to explain why it took so long, why she'd done the things she'd done. And now, somehow, Maddie had found out on her own and had started this whole awful sequence of events that could end up destroying them all.

She retrieved her phone and tried Deacon again. _This is Deacon. Leave me a message._ She started to cry all over again. She was sure something was very, very wrong and she wasn't sure how she was going to handle it and what that meant for them going forward.

* * *

She needed to get ready for Juliette's mom's funeral and leaned in to look at herself in the mirror. She made a face. Her skin was blotchy, there were dark circles under her eyes. She looked every bit as destroyed as she felt. She sighed, then walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower. While she waited for the water to heat up, she stripped down until she was naked. She felt depleted. Had it really been just a few days earlier when she and Deacon were keeping things private during the last leg of the tour? And then he'd come to dinner with the girls and it seemed like they were headed towards going public with their relationship. And then everything blew up.

The water was at the temperature she liked and she stepped in. She first turned her face up and let the water fall down over her face, her shoulders, her breasts, her arms and legs. The tears welled up in her eyes and then overtook her. She cried for a few minutes, then took a deep breath and started to wash her hair. Her heart hurt. She wanted more than anything to talk to him. But she needed to see Maddie first. She hoped when Cole found him, that he could get Deacon back on track. She was sure he'd gotten drunk, but hoped he would get back on track right away. Then they could talk.

She got out of the shower, dried off, and wrapped a towel around her hair and then another around her body. She walked into her closet and looked at what was on the hangars. She didn't wear black often, at least all black, so she didn't have much of it in her closet. She finally found a reasonably appropriate black dress. She had no idea why she had bought it. Probably for some event she'd attended with Teddy, where the perfectly understated little black dress was the right choice. It was a simple short-sleeved dress with a drapey neckline, appropriate for a funeral. It was that time of year in Nashville when the weather could be warm one day and chilly the next. This was one of those warm days and she could wear it without a jacket. She took it down and hung it on a hook behind the door, wondering a little bit how she was going to hold it together.

* * *

She quickly and expertly put on foundation, blush, eyeliner and mascara. She took down her hair, shaking it out, then added a pink lipstick. She stood up straight, thinking she looked better. She might be able to fool everyone. She ran her fingers through her hair again, then picked up her phone. She started to call Deacon, but she couldn't bear to hear his voice mail message again, so instead she called Teddy.

"Hey, Rayna," he said, his voice sounding tired and irritated at the same time.

She frowned. "Hey, Teddy. How's Maddie?"

"The same as she was when you called this morning." She breathed in at the harsh sound to his voice. Then she heard him sigh. "She had a bad night. If it makes you feel any better, she wasn't that happy with me either."

She shook her head. "That doesn't make me happy." She tapped her fingernails on the vanity. "Did she tell you anything?"

"Well, she told me that she went looking around in your closet after she heard you on the phone with Deacon." He kind of spat out Deacon's name and she winced. She thought about Maddie's questions, after hearing her tell Deacon she loved him. Now she understood more why her evasiveness would have piqued her daughter's interest. "She won't tell me why she did that, but I think that's what we need to understand to get her through this."

"I want to come see her and talk to her. Maybe I can get her to talk to me about that. I need to go to this funeral, but I can stop by afterwards."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Rayna."

She frowned. "Why not? I need to be able to talk to her, Teddy, to explain."

"What are you going to explain, Rayna? That he was a drunk who couldn't stay sober? That you never knew if he was dead or alive? That you finally came to your senses about him when you found out you were pregnant? How is that going to be a good message for her?"

She could feel tears again and willed herself not to get emotional. "I don't know, Teddy," she said, her irritation showing in her voice. "But I can't let this just sit like this. I _need_ to talk to her." She sighed. "I'm her mama. And I'm the cause of this. I need to talk to her. Try to help her through this."

"She's still pretty confused and angry," he said, sounding more compassionate. "Come by after the funeral. Hopefully she'll be open to talking."

"We should have told her, Teddy, a long time ago."

"But that means you'd have had to tell him too."

She sighed. He was right. Who knows what would have happened then. Maybe nothing would have been different about Deacon's reaction. But what they had now was what they had to deal with. "If we had controlled the message, it might have made all of this easier." She shook her head. "It doesn't matter anyway, I guess. This is where we are and we just need to try to get through it without making it any worse. Thanks for letting me come see her. I'm going to Juliette's mom's funeral and I'll come by after that."

After she hung up, she just looked at the phone, breathing in and out, trying to control her emotions. She could _not_ lose it. Not until she'd had a chance to talk to Maddie and Deacon and try to come up with a plan.

* * *

She tried calling him again when she got to the cemetery. She felt so rattled. She had no idea what she should have done, all those years ago, but she knew what she _had_ done was wrong. Her daughter was angry with her and pushing her away and Deacon was God knew where, and in what condition. It was all just such a mess. She saw Juliette then and got out of her car. "Juliette," she called out and the younger woman turned and waited for her to walk up.

* * *

She knocked on the door at Teddy's house. She waited but no one answered. She hoped Maddie hadn't left. She had a key, in case she'd needed to get in if the girls needed her, and she slid it into the door knob and let herself in. She closed the door behind her and locked it, then looked around. "Maddie?" she called out. She laid her purse and keys on the entry table and started to walk towards the back of the house. She walked into the kitchen and she saw Maddie laying on the couch. She frowned. "Maddie?" she said again. No response. She walked around the couch and saw that Maddie had earbuds in her ears, as she read. Her daughter looked up. She motioned for her to take the earbuds out.

Maddie's face showed nothing, as she slowly pulled the earbuds from her ears, and sat up. She sat in a chair that was at right angles to the couch and turned towards her daughter. "Maddie, honey," she said gently. "I really wanted to talk to you. Can we do that?" Maddie wouldn't look at her and just shrugged. She swallowed and took a deep breath. "I'm so sorry, Maddie, that you found out the way you did, that _I_ wasn't the one to tell you this. I hope you'll listen to me."

Maddie looked at her then, a sad, hurt look on her face. "Can you tell me it's all not real?" she asked, sounding a little defiant, but mostly just deeply hurt.

She shook her head. "I can't. It's real. But that's not how I wanted you to find this out."

"Were you going to tell me? Ever?"

She cut her eyes away for a moment, then looked back at her daughter. That was complicated. She sighed. "I'm sure it would have happened. But when you were a little older, maybe, and I could have explained everything."

Maddie looked like she wanted to burst into tears. "Did Deacon even know?"

She breathed in deeply and shook her head. "It was a very complicated situation, Maddie, and we'll talk about all of it. Just not right now." She watched Maddie struggle not to cry. "I know you're mad," she said.

Maddie nodded. "I _am_ mad."

"I know. But I don't want you to be mad at me forever. 'Cause we need each other." She paused. "I married your dad because I loved him. But I also married him because I wanted you to have a father who loved you as much as I do, and I love you more than anybody." She could see that Maddie was still struggling to hold it all in. "And I'm never ever gonna leave you." She saw the tears on Maddie's face and she hoped she'd at least gotten through to her with that. She could tell it would be a long time before they would ever work their way through the layers of pain and loss and secrecy.

She watched as Maddie tried to process it all and then watched as she got up and came to sit in her lap, just like she had when she was a little girl and needed comfort. She wrapped her arms around her daughter and cried with her.

* * *

Later, as they sat on the couch together, she looked over at Maddie. "Sweetie, will you come home with me?" Maddie looked hesitant. "I think we need to talk, don't you?"

Maddie shrugged. "I guess." That didn't sound good.

"I want to try to answer your questions."

Maddie sighed and then looked at her. "I want to stay here right now. With Dad. Besides, Daphne comes tomorrow, so I might as well stay here."

She felt a pain in her heart. "But…."

Maddie shook her head. "No, Mom. Please don't make me."

* * *

In the end, she didn't make her come home. She badly wanted to fix things. That's what she always did. Fix things. She liked to control the situation and she didn't like having to wait for someone else. That had always been true. She wasn't one to stew over something or have trouble deciding things. She liked order and a clear path forward. But in this situation, she didn't have control. Maddie had the control and, she supposed, so did Deacon. She had to wait until they were ready. She couldn't force them to listen to her or even to want to hear what she had to say.

The truth was she couldn't fix this. At least not by herself. And so, she'd left Maddie at Teddy's, as she'd requested, and then gone to pick up Daphne at school. She as so anxious she felt like she was crawling out of her skin. But all she could do was wait.

* * *

It was dark when Coleman called her. Her stomach had been in knots all day and she'd had to resist the urge to try to call him or just to go out looking for Deacon herself, despite Cole's warning not to. She thought that was really to spare her seeing him drunk. She knew his plan was to find him, outlast whatever Deacon had done when he left the Bridgestone, and get him through the aftermath. She wasn't entirely sure what she was going to do when that happened. It was her worst fear, more so in the early days after he'd finished that last rehab. She still watched him, though, although she tried not to be obvious. She had made her choices, back when she'd married Teddy and then hid the truth about Maddie from Deacon. In those early days she'd thought more about the consequences of telling him than not and eventually had convinced herself she might never need to.

She just hadn't counted on Maddie finding out herself. She had never prepared for it, still was just feeling her way through it, not confident she was doing anything right.

She put the phone to her ear. "You found him?" She could hear the panic in her voice when he told her he had and that Deacon was passed out. "Are you going to leave?"

"No, I'm gonna stick around…I'll be here when he, uh, comes to." Her heart sank.

"I'm coming over," she said.

"No, no, no, no, you stay right there."

"Please…."

"It's bad."

She started to cry. "I can't believe this is happening again, after all this time. Please make sure he gets help. And call me and let me know how he's doing."

"Alright, we'll talk later." And he hung up. She felt a little bit better knowing that he would see Deacon through this.

She rubbed her temples, feeling a headache coming on. It was what she'd always been afraid of, that he would never be able to stay sober for good, that he would always stumble and fall. She knew this news had been tough on him. It was not the way she would have wanted him to find out. If she was going to tell him, she would have preferred to prepare him. He would still be angry and hurt, probably deservedly so, but she could be there to get him through it. But it hadn't worked out that way and now he was drunk and passed out at his house and she really didn't know what she was going to do.

She sighed heavily. She knew she probably wasn't going to sleep much, if any, that night, but she walked up the stairs, heading for her bedroom. She stopped at Maddie's room first and stood in the doorway, gazing at her empty bed. Her heart ached for her daughter. It wasn't what she'd thought would happen and she wondered if Maddie would ever forgive her. Not only did she need to find a way to talk to Deacon, but she needed to talk to their daughter. _Really_ talk to her. She just wasn't at all sure what to say, to either one of them.

She walked into the room and stood by Maddie's bed. The tears were rolling down her face and she felt heartsick over the pain she knew they were both feeling. They were the two people she loved most in the world and now she had to figure out a way to get through this. She dropped down onto Maddie's bed and then, laying on her side, she put her head on the pillow and closed her eyes, not knowing what was going to happen next.

* * *

Someone was tugging at her sleeve. She opened her eyes slowly and then squinted at the sunlight in the room. She must have fallen asleep at some point. She was lying on her stomach and she grabbed at the sheet with her hands. "Mom." Daphne's voice sounded exasperated.

She rolled over and sat up on the bed. Daphne was dressed in her school uniform and was frowning down at her. "Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry," she said, sliding her legs off the bed and sitting on the edge. "Did I oversleep?"

Daphne nodded. "Yeah," she said, sounding irritated. "I've already eaten and I need to get to school. I'm already going to be late."

She jumped up then and hugged her daughter. "I'm sorry, sweet girl. I'm so sorry." She breathed in. "Let me go brush my hair and my teeth and I'll take you to school, okay?" Daphne shrugged and rolled her eyes, then headed out of the room.

She got up and hurried to her bedroom to brush her teeth. When she stood in front of the mirror, she could see she looked like hell and her hair was a mess. She brushed it back into a ponytail, then hurried downstairs. Sunglasses would solve her other problem.

* * *

Daphne was right. She was late. Over thirty minutes late, so she'd had to go into the school office and check her in. She felt like everyone was surreptitiously staring at her. She wasn't sure if it was how she looked or because she hadn't won Female Vocalist of the Year and they were wondering how she felt about losing to Juliette Barnes. At that thought, she had to fight to keep down the bubble of crazy laughter that threatened to come up and out, as if losing an award to Juliette Barnes – or anyone – would practically destroy her life the way Maddie's discovery had. She still wanted to talk to Maddie, find out how she found out about Deacon, and how she was feeling now. Plus she had to figure out what to do about Deacon. Now that her worst nightmare had come true, she had still not really sat with that to find a way through it.

She put the pen down and looked up at one of the office ladies. She felt that almost uncontrollable urge to break down in laughter again. She had gone to this same school, years earlier. She and Tandy both had. And while she didn't think these ladies were the same ones who had been there when she was in school, it was like it was a job requirement to look stern and disappointed, and to dress like a dowdy old spinster. The laughter was still right in her mouth and she took a deep breath. "I'm sorry Daphne's late," she said. "It's my fault. I forgot to set the alarm and overslept." It was totally unnecessary to say that, but she felt like she needed to.

The woman just nodded, still looking disappointed. She patted the counter, then scooped her purse up under her arm, grabbed her keys, turned and walked out into the main hallway.

* * *

She was driving from the school to Teddy's. Daphne was silent, looking out the side window. She didn't even try to engage her in conversation. She was rolling what Cole had told her over and over in her mind.

"You left him alone?" she asked, practically shouting at him.

_To his credit, Cole looked sorrowful and apologetic. "I really thought he got it, Rayna. He's been sober for so long and it really seemed like he knew what he'd done and he was ready to start over fresh."_

_She could feel her lip tremble and the tears fill her eyes. Her head started to hurt. Deacon had not shown up for the meeting he'd told Cole he wanted to go to. She wanted to slap Cole, stomp her feet, scream out into the air in both anguish and anger. If anyone should have understood, it should have been Cole. It scared her a little bit how quickly she'd fallen right back down the rabbit hole, feeling the same helpless, hopeless emotions she had all those years ago, back when she and Deacon were together and she had spent what felt like every waking moment trying, and mostly failing, to keep the man she loved beyond measure safe. But she tamped down her feelings and glared at Cole. "And so he's back out there, drinking, and you have no idea where he is," she said, not a question but a statement, delivered in a low, even tone._

_Cole shook his head dejectedly. "You're right. I got soft, thinking he understood." He sighed. "Where do you think I should look?"_

_She looked up at the ceiling, then back at him. "Every bar in town is where __I__ would start," she said, feeling as weary as she knew she sounded. "And this time, try not to let him out of your sight. I would do it myself, but I have a very unhappy and confused daughter I need to help right now." She frowned. "Can I count on you this time?"_

_Cole just nodded sadly. She wasn't at all sure she could count on him, but she couldn't deal with both Deacon and Maddie at once. It was an impossible choice, but she knew she needed to help Maddie first._

"Mom?" Daphne's voice brought her back to the present.

"What, sweet girl?" she said, smiling sadly at her younger daughter.

"What's going on with Maddie?"

She sighed and thought about that for a moment. Then she glanced over at Daphne. "It's just some really upsetting stuff for her. You and I will talk about it, I promise, but first I need to make sure your sister is okay. Everything has kind of been turned upside down for her and I don't think she's really ready yet to talk about it."

Daphne looked sad. "I'm worried about her," she said, sounding morose.

She smiled a little, reaching over to squeeze her daughter's arm gently. "I know. I am too. But I promise, it _will_ get better. She just has a lot to process and we need to give her some time and patience."

Daphne nodded and then turned back to look out the window. She rolled it all around in her own mind and knew she couldn't avoid a conversation too long. Daphne was too inquisitive. Of course, Maddie could tell her anyway but she wasn't sure that would happen just yet. Then again, she'd been terribly wrong about everything up to this point, so she could also be wrong about this. She sighed and concentrated on driving.


	2. Chapter 2

She didn't really want to go to Juliette's memorial for her mom. It wasn't really that she didn't want to be supportive, although she and Juliette were certainly not friends. Frenemies, maybe? Maddie had used that word once and she'd had to ask what it meant.

"_Someone who's not really a friend but not completely an enemy," she said, rolling her eyes. "You are so behind the times, Mom."_

_She fought off an annoyed sigh. "Yes, Maddie, I suppose I am," she said, a little more sharply than she'd meant to. "But I'm not really sure why it annoys you so much to just tell me what things mean."_

_Maddie sighed and turned away from the kitchen island, walking into the den. "It's just someone who's nice to your face, but stabs you in the back when you aren't looking." She thought she'd caught a note of pain in her daughter's voice and wondered who might have been Maddie's 'frenemy'._

At the thought of Maddie, she felt a pain in her heart. When she had dropped Daphne off at Teddy's after school, she had tried to talk to Maddie, but she was back to the one word answers and the mistrustful looks. She wondered if she and her daughter would ever get a chance to talk through this. It seemed like every time she tried to bring it up, Maddie got closed off. She had hoped, when Maddie had climbed onto her lap, that things would get better, but that clearly was not going to be the case.

Daphne had seen how Maddie froze her out and had looked at her with sadness. She was going to have to tell Daphne at some point what was going on, but she couldn't even think of the words she would use. She suddenly flashed back to the afternoon she and Deacon had sat at Percy Warner and she'd told him about trying to manage everything in her life and balance all of the conflicting emotions and trying to keep everyone from being hurt. And yet now those hearts had been broken into a million little pieces, even with all the care she'd taken to manage that over the years. Just one piece of paper, that was never supposed to be found, had changed everything.

* * *

The memorial wasn't scheduled until 8:00, so she was at loose ends until then. She had nothing to do but think. She paced the den, her arms wrapped around herself. _When had Maddie found the paternity test?_ When she had looked at where the box was placed in her closet, nothing really seemed disturbed. Not that she would truly have known, because the truth was she hadn't thought about the box, much less looked at what was in there, for years. She'd had the box itself almost as long as she'd known Deacon. He had told her, more than once, she needed something more secure, but it really hadn't held much that didn't exist elsewhere – contracts and such mainly. But then she'd put things in there that had more appropriately belonged in a safe deposit box, like her marriage certificate. Maddie and Daphne's birth certificates. And that paternity test.

She sat down on the couch, her elbows on her legs, her chin propped on her fists. That was on her, the fact that it wasn't secure. Although who would have ever thought either of her daughters might go looking for that. She supposed it wasn't that specifically Maddie would have been searching for, because she wouldn't have known about it, but she was looking for _something_. The question was why. Of course, her life had changed, and both girls as well, with Teddy's and her plans to divorce and Maddie's discovery about Peggy. And then she'd overheard her talking to Deacon.

_Deacon_. She closed her eyes. Maddie had been very upset about Peggy and the things she'd overheard Teddy saying to her. And then, of course, Maddie had overheard her own conversation with Deacon and questioned her about it. It had never been a secret, of course, that she and Deacon had been involved in the early years of her career, before she'd married Teddy. It was widely known around Nashville so, although she'd certainly never sat the girls down and told them that, it wasn't surprising that Maddie knew. It made sense to her now that it might have been the catalyst for Maddie to look for something, probably not sure what she was even looking for.

She thought back to those emotionally heartbreaking days around the time she'd found out she was pregnant. After she had left the cabin that morning, after she'd discovered Deacon was still drinking, and after she had agreed to marry him, she'd put him in rehab. Again. For the fourth time. She had cried as she signed the papers, hurting for him and for herself as well. She loved him. That had never not been the case. And it had never been their problem. The love she felt for Deacon had been almost instantaneous when they met, as had his for her. That was something she had known deep in her soul and had never doubted. He was in her blood, the way she was in his, and she had always known that nothing would ever disconnect them.

But then the line on the stick turned into a plus sign and she'd felt the weight of that instantly. That she needed to tell Deacon – and Teddy, but mostly Deacon – was a given. She knew, without a doubt, that they had conceived Maddie that night at the cabin. As awful as everything that had happened afterwards was, that night was pure love. They'd been in each other's arms and the love they'd made had been exquisite and she'd felt like she'd left the planet, it had been so perfect. She had been one with the person she was meant to be with and she had believed, in that moment, they were cementing that forever. The cold light of day had told a vastly different story, but even then, he was still in her heart.

As angry and as hurt as she'd been, she couldn't just abandon him. But there was a baby involved and she had to think of someone else besides herself. It had been hard enough to tell Teddy she'd slept with Deacon. That she then had to tell him about the baby had been gut wrenching. His unexpected offer to marry her and take care of her and her baby had floored her. It had taken Deacon abandoning rehab and watching him, from the porch of the cabin, drunk and out of control, and she had swallowed all her misgivings and made the decision that she thought was right for her baby. She had loved Teddy for his generosity and then, when she watched him with Maddie after she was born, she loved him for that as well, promising herself she would make their marriage work.

Though she did love Teddy, she'd never been able to erase Deacon from her life. She couldn't deny the truth of that. Deacon was Maddie's father and it was his blood that joined her own in their daughter. Maddie was _their_ creation – hers and Deacon's – and she fought her heart for over a year, as she struggled with wanting to tell him about their daughter and be a family together. She wanted to be his wife, cried herself to sleep every night for a year, wanting it so much. But she had owed something to Teddy and so she had willed herself out of her depression over what could not be and told herself over and over again that she had done the best for everyone.

But now this could be the end of them. Every decision she'd made at that time, and every day after that, decisions that had simmered under the surface until they had exploded in painful and unexpected ways, all of that could be the one thing that could actually irrevocably tear her and Deacon apart. It was why she still so desperately wanted to talk to him. Even though he'd disappointed her, she needed to try to make him understand. She got up and walked into the kitchen, pulling her phone out of her purse and trying him yet again. _Hey, this is Deacon. You know what to do._ Her mouth felt dry, her stomach hurt, she had a lump in her throat, and her heart was thudding in her chest. She had no idea which way to turn.

* * *

Tandy had stopped by and she'd been grateful to see her sister. Tandy was leaning against the bed as she sat at her vanity putting on her makeup. "Do you really have to go to this?" Tandy asked, her arms crossed over her chest.

She sighed as she cut her eyes over to her sister's reflection in the mirror. "Trust me, I'd rather not. But it would look wrong for me not to be there for Edgehill's other signature artist." She rolled her eyes. Then she picked up a brush and started brushing her hair. "I guess, you know, I'm sort of hoping maybe Deacon shows up." She watched her sister frown at Deacon's name.

"I think you should consider yourself lucky that he's made himself unavailable. I mean, he _is_ drinking again, right?"

She looked away. "Maybe by now he's realized what he's done. Cole did say he acknowledged it."

"And went right back out there and drank again, isn't that true?"

"I don't really know for sure, Tandy," she said sharply. "But he and I need to talk about all this. I mean, we may be done, but we still have a daughter together."

Tandy sighed, her irritation obvious. "Shouldn't you be taking care of Maddie instead of worrying about him?"

She put the brush down and looked at her hands clasped in front of her. "She doesn't want to see me right now," she said quietly. "And Teddy said to give her some time." She looked back up at Tandy. "I don't want to push her away, Tandy. I need to give her some space to process all this."

"Just not too much time."

She stood up then and looked at herself in the mirror. She had on a black top that was mostly sheer above the bustline, with a small diamond design, along with a nice pair of jeans. She wore the diamond earrings Teddy had given her one year for their anniversary. She ran her hands down over her stomach and then over her hips. "I guess I'm ready," she said. She looked at Tandy. "Thanks for coming by. I'll be okay though."

Tandy walked over and put her arms around her. "I know you're going through a rough time and Maddie's going through a rough time, but you two will find your way back to each other. She needs you, Rayna. If she's going to be able to navigate this, she needs you."

She felt tears in her eyes and a lump in her throat. She desperately wanted to fix things, fix everything. It had been difficult to hold back, to force herself to give Maddie space, to not immediately go after Deacon. She put her hand on Tandy's arm. "Thanks, babe," she said softly.

* * *

She had turned on the radio in her car to try to quiet all the noise in her head, but it wasn't really working. She had stopped by Teddy's, hoping to see Maddie, but he told her, gently, that Maddie really needed some space. She had tried to argue with him, but he reminded her that he had promised to help get them both through this and he thought it would be best not to push. She had reluctantly agreed and had left. Now she was driving along Harding Place towards Hillsboro Pike. She passed house after house, lights glowing warmly in windows, hinting at family moments inside and she felt herself getting choked up again.

Her thoughts were all over the place – how to help Maddie, how to be able to talk to Deacon. _This is just such a mess._ She squeezed the steering wheel tightly, her arms rigid, feeling sick to her stomach. Tandy had warned her, back that day in her kitchen, the morning after she had spent the night with Deacon, after sending Liam a text saying she wasn't going to St. Lucia after all. She'd warned her again that night at the riverboat, when they had the Edgehill party for the CMA nominees. She had had to think about it then, the consequences of whatever might come. It wasn't that she didn't know she'd have to face it at some point, but she had thought she had time to figure it out.

She took a deep breath. Her emotions were so close to the skin these days. He was thirteen years sober. She'd watched him finally feel strong in that resolve and it was part of the reason why she had finally been willing to take him back into her life. It had felt, like he'd said that first morning when she'd woken up his arms – _it feels like you never left_. It had. It had made her wonder why she'd ever waited. It had made her wonder if she could have told him back then and he would have seen that a family was worth fighting for.

_I need you to tell me it's not true. I need you to tell me you haven't been lying to me, every moment for the last thirteen years._ She made a noise that was like a choked sob. She had never really allowed herself to think about what could possibly happen. She had long ago stopped thinking about scenarios where she could tell Deacon about Maddie. It had always been on the tip of her tongue the entire first year of Maddie's life. She'd even gone so far as to pick up the phone to call, but then she'd lose her nerve.

_How am I going to make this right? Can I ever make it right?_ How did one explain hiding the truth – that's how she'd always looked at it – for so many years? How could anyone possibly rationalize it? And yet she had. She had first let Tandy influence her – pulling her away from the cabin when she had gone to tell Deacon – and then Teddy. And finally Cole. Everyone told her what a mistake it would be to trust that Deacon could make sober work enough to take care of a family. She had thought she'd made the right choice, until Deacon was sober for a year. Then three years, and five, and ten. Her chest hurt and her heart felt heavy. It had gone on for so long that now Teddy was fighting already for Maddie and Deacon had gone off and gotten drunk and Maddie wouldn't talk to her.

She pulled into the parking lot outside the Bluebird. She drove in slowly, looking amongst the cars already there for Deacon's truck. But it wasn't there. She pulled into a parking spot and turned off the car, just sitting. Her hands were still tightly gripping the steering wheel and she was rocking back and forth in her seat, trying to keep from breaking down in tears, because she was afraid if she did she would never stop. She took a deep breath and let go of the steering wheel, her hands feeling stiff. She lowered the visor and lifted up the mirror cover, activating the light. She peered at herself, running her thumbs under her eyes, and then breathing in and out. When she felt reasonably calm, she opened the car door and got out.

When she opened the door to the Bluebird, she was welcomed warmly. There was a comforting buzz in the room, people talking quietly, milling around, greeting each other. Her eyes flickered around the crowd, hoping she saw Deacon, but she did not. "Glad you made it, Rayna." She turned at the voice at her shoulder. She smiled wanly at Marshall.

"Hey, Marshall." She felt tired all of a sudden and she really wished she hadn't come. But she couldn't leave, now that she was here, and she was still hopeful Deacon might show up after all.

* * *

The memorial was less about Julilette's mother, since very few people knew her, and more to allow Juliette to pay tribute to her memory. Others spoke, especially her manager Glenn, and her assistant, whose name she didn't remember. She let her mind wander.

_She was in labor for a long time. She spent much of it at home, where she changed the bedding in the crib, reorganized the closet and the dresser with all the little infant girl things she had for Maddie. She sat out in the backyard by herself, feeling the early spring sun on her face. Teddy had not wanted her to be alone. 'I'll be perfectly fine,' she'd snapped at her husband. She felt contrite when she saw him flinch, but she didn't want him hovering. She really needed some time to herself._

_Her contractions weren't particularly strong and they weren't coming in a rhythm yet. As each one hit she tried to breath in slowly and then exhale slowly as they eased. In between, she couldn't stop thinking about what she had done. As her pregnancy had progressed, she thought about Deacon often. He was in rehab most of the time she was pregnant, and his being away had helped her adjust to married life with Teddy._

_Teddy had been wonderful, cooking meals when she didn't feel like it, attending to her needs and moods. They didn't have sex often, as she would tell him she just wasn't in the mood. The truth of it was that she wouldn't have felt that way with Deacon, she was sure. But she had put Deacon aside and focused on her new marriage and creating a family with her husband. At least most of the time. When Cole told her Deacon had returned from rehab, she had wanted to see him, but Tandy had held her in check._

_So here she was, sitting on the patio, getting ready to give birth to their daughter. It wouldn't be long before they went to the hospital, but suddenly she didn't want to go. She didn't want to have the baby and raise her without Deacon. She'd been able to tell herself that it wouldn't matter once she was born, but she knew now that nothing would matter more, and she didn't want to have to live with that on her conscience every single day._

_She wondered if the baby would look like Deacon or would she look like her. Everyone told her daughters took after their fathers, and she wasn't sure how she would handle that. She ran her hand over her belly, scared that she couldn't keep her promises. She felt tears rolling down her cheeks, but she just kept rubbing her belly, knowing she was bringing her daughter into a world built on lies._

* * *

_When they were at the hospital, and the doctor told her it was time to push, she tried to resist, but the primal desire to push the baby out overtook her. When she gave that one last push and felt her daughter slide out of her, she leaned her head back on the bed and closed her eyes. She didn't realize she was crying until Teddy said, "Rayna, she's perfect. Everything went well." His voice was soothing and also filled with emotion. She opened her eyes and looked at him. He was holding their daughter, a huge smile on his face. She then looked at the baby in his arms, her tiny baby, hers and Deacon's, and she fell in love with her on sight._

_Teddy settled Maddie in her arms and she felt a love flow through her that she had never known in her life, even more all-encompassing than her love for Deacon. This was a love born of an instinct to protect and keep safe, to love enough to give her a father she would never doubt or lose faith in. Her heart ached that Maddie wouldn't know her true father, but nothing was more important than to protect the tiny being in her arms. She leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss on Maddie's forehead and she knew, even if she didn't want it this way, she'd done the best she could for her daughter._

Juliette's voice brought her back to the present. She talked about her mother, about the fact that she'd loved her, and then said her mother's greatest wish was to hear her sing at the Bluebird. She couldn't help but smile a little. The song was a slow, pretty ballad but she had a hard time focusing on the words. She caught a movement out of the side of her eye and turned to see Deacon standing at the hostess stand. She quickly got up, sliding her purse off the back of the chair. He saw her about the time she got up and turned and walked out the door.

She hurried after him as he headed for his truck. "Hey!" she called out to him.

"Leave me alone," he said, not even turning around.

"I want to talk to you," she pleaded, as she continued following him. He'd opened the door to his truck and got in. "Please."

"I said leave me alone, Rayna," he said, and she saw the pain in his eyes.

"I need to talk to you."

He raised his hands in frustration, then said, "Please, God, leave me alone." He leaned towards her as he reached for the door handle and that's when she smelled it. The odor of cheap whiskey wafted off of him. He looked away from her. "Go back inside," he said.

She pushed at him. "Move over," she said, feeling angry. He fought back, struggling to get the key in the ignition. She pushed again. "Move over. I'm not letting you drive."

"Dammit, Rayna, leave me alone!" he shouted as she pushed at him.

"I'm not letting you drive like this!" she hissed as she pushed him again, hard, and finally got him to move over, as she managed to get into the driver's seat. She gagged a little at the smell of whiskey and sweat, a smell she'd actually forgotten over the years, but the disappointing familiarity of it came back immediately. She put the key in the ignition and turned it on. As she was backing out of the parking place, she could see out of the corner of his eye that he'd picked up a bottle of whiskey and was screwing off the top. She got the truck in drive, then reached for the bottle. His reflexes were slow and she was quick and she got the bottle away just as he was lifting it to his mouth.

He lunged at her. "Dammit, Rayna, give me that back!"

She was fuming. "I will not!" she shouted back at him. She turned slightly, putting the bottle out through the open window. He tried again to get it back from her and she quickly poured it out onto the asphalt.

"Fuck you!" he shouted as she tossed the bottle into the grass, then took her foot off the break. She quickly glanced out at the road and kept going, as she turned onto Hillsboro Pike. He huffed angrily and looked out of the side window.

"I'm taking you home and then we're gonna talk," she said firmly.

He glanced back at her and glared. "I'm not talking to you," he said. "You _lied_ to me. How can I ever trust you again?"

His words stung, but there was truth there. She hoped it wouldn't be forever, the same as she hoped Maddie's anger wouldn't be forever. She knew if they would just focus on each other, they could get through it, and then, hopefully, they could rebuild things. Even if it never got back to the way it was, at least it could be civil. _I hope._

He was silent, his anger palpable in the air. She could hear him breathe, hear the bouncing of his boot on the floorboard. She took a deep breath. "Deacon, we need to talk," she said.

He didn't look at her, but shook his head angrily. "No, we don't. There ain't nothing to say. You lied to me about my own daughter. For her whole life. That's all of it. Nothing else to say about it."

"But there is, Deacon. I need to explain…."

He turned his head to look at her, his face a mask of anger, even while his eyes were still filled with pain. "I get it, Rayna," he said. "I was a drunk. You didn't trust me. Not even enough to tell me about my own kid." He jabbed his finger angrily towards her. "You lost _faith_ in me, Rayna. And then you lied. Maddie's whole life, you _lied_."

She hated that she had hurt him like that, but exactly what was going on right then was why she'd done it. "This is why I couldn't tell you, Deacon!" she cried out. "You're drunk. You were gonna drive home. Drunk. You could have had an accident. Killed yourself and others. _This_ is why I couldn't trust you enough to tell you!"

He leaned towards her, a snarl on his face, the smell of stale whiskey and sweat triggering all those old fears and pain and disappointment that she really thought was finally behind them. _Damn Maddie for snooping._ She breathed in sharply. It probably wasn't fair to blame Maddie. It was _Deacon's_ fault, for putting them in the position all those years ago, where what she'd done had been the only alternative she could see. He put his finger in her face. "I'll never trust you again!" he shouted. "I mean, who does this? Who _lies_ like this and don't even feel bad about it?" Then he turned away from her again and looked out the window.

She swallowed hard, not really knowing exactly what to say. She wasn't sure she could make him understand. In truth, she'd never felt worse about anything in her life.

He turned back, a dark scowl on his face. "So you just thought you could choose another daddy for our daughter? Feel okay about lying to her all her life? Playing God with people's lives?" He shook his head. "Who told you it was okay to do that? Tandy? Lamar? And you just went along with it? Because you were, what, embarrassed? I thought you _loved_ me, Rayna." He turned his head again, but not before she saw tears in his eyes. When he spoke again, his voice was low and she could hear the emotions. "I never thought you'd hurt me more than when you put me in rehab." His voice trailed off and she knew he was devastated. "I was wrong."

She blinked back the tears and then glanced out of the window at the road sign. _Battlefield Dr._ That's what this would become. A battlefield. And although she did feel justified, she wondered if they could ever heal the scars. He was silent the rest of the way, while she concentrated on driving and trying to figure out what she would do next.

It wasn't until she parked out in front of his house that she realized he'd passed out.


	3. Chapter 3

She turned to look at him. He had his head against the window, his arms crossed. In the dim streetlight, he looked like he was just asleep, but she knew better. Back in the days when they were still together, he could tolerate quite a lot of whiskey before he'd actually pass out. But after almost fourteen years of sobriety, it wouldn't take as much. She'd hauled him home or to a hotel room so many times back then. She would remember pulling one arm across her shoulders , putting her arm around his waist, leading him out of a bar. Or a party. She wouldn't cry until she got him in bed and then she would sit, sometimes silently crying, other times sobbing with both fear and anger.

She had finally realized, at some point along the way, that she was growing numb. The tears still came, but they were less brokenhearted sobs and more resigned tears. She was exhausted, numb, and feeling more and more disconnected from both him and their lives. He could stay sober, for days, weeks, sometimes even a couple months, and when that happened, it was easy to forget how unhappy she was with her life. _Their_ life.

She didn't remember anymore what the tipping point was for her. It really had seemed more like a series of things, piled on top of each other, and she'd woken up one day knowing that she was drowning and that she just couldn't do that anymore. And as she looked at him now, it all came back, just like muscle memory. The sadness, the embarrassment, the resignation, the anger, the sleepless nights. By the end, she'd lost weight, she had dark circles under her eyes, her hair looked listless. It took a lot of effort on the part of her hair and makeup team to get her out on the stage, looking like Rayna Jaymes.

He had done so well. She knew it wasn't, but it almost looked like it was effortless. She had been proud of him, encouraged by his dedication to staying sober. And she had nearly forgotten what this looked like and felt like. And it took her breath away to realize how fragile sobriety really was. _His_ sobriety. It was clear to her that he couldn't handle this, that it was so easy for him to fall. She frowned. _I should have known better._

She reached out and shook his arm. "Deacon," she said sternly. She waited a moment. A frown crossed his face but then was gone. "Deacon," she said, louder this time. He opened his eyes then just a crack. "I'm gonna take you inside."

He really frowned then, uncrossing his arms and trying to sit up straight. "The hell you are," he snarled.

She sat for just a second longer, glaring at him. Then she opened the door and go out onto the street. Just before she ran around the front of the truck, she saw him lunge across the front seat, looking for the keys, she knew. But she had them, having learned that lesson long ago. In a flash, she was at the passenger door. She pulled it open angrily, then reached in and grabbed his arm. He tried to pull away. "Get out," she ordered, her jaw clenched.

"I ain't going nowhere with you!" he bellowed.

She ignored him, pulling harder. "Get out!" she screamed, not caring if anyone heard her. She knew all his tricks, the memories of which had long been buried but were now as fresh as if it hadn't been all those years ago. She remembered that he could be incredibly strong – and stubborn – when he was drunk, but she had her wits about her, something he did not, and that gave her the upper hand. She pulled one more time and he came tumbling out of the passenger side, falling against her.

He tried pushing away from her and pulling his arm, but his instincts were dulled by the alcohol and her hands were firmly around his bicep. She felt the sting of the chill in the air and then pushed it aside as she pulled him towards the steps that led up to his house. He was still trying to get away, but his unsteadiness put him off balance and he was stumbling on the walkway.

He tried jerking away from her as they approached the steps to the front porch, hoping, she was sure, to catch her off guard. Maybe he had forgotten she had learned all his tricks, but she had not. Sadly, it had all come back as though it had just been the day before. "I don't need no babysitter!" he shouted, his words slurring a little. "I don't need _you_!" He turned to force a glare at her and, if it hadn't been so heartbreaking, it would have been comical, his movements unsteady and sluggish, so that his attempt at righteous indignation just fell flat.

She tightened her grip as she practically dragged him up the steps. "I wish I didn't have to do this, Deacon," she said, hearing the weariness in her voice. "I thought we were long past this. But someone has to." They were at the door then and she made her movements deliberate then. She gripped his arm tighter and, on a hunch, tried to open the front door. As she feared, the door was unlocked, and she pushed him in ahead of her.

He stumbled a bit, but she forced herself not to help him. As she watched, he quickly regained his balance. She took a moment to look around the house. It had been their house once. They'd been renting it and, when she had gotten the advance on her first album, they had persuaded their landlord to sell it to them. She had loved living in it with him. It made her feel grown up and like she and Deacon were building a life together. She saw them living here for a long time, until maybe they were so popular that they'd have to move to something more secluded. _More like the house Teddy and I built._ They would dance through the dining room and living room, with the radio on WSM. They wrote countless songs in this house, some of which were so private they'd never made an album, while most of their biggest hits were written on the floor in the living room, or more often in their bedroom. But there had also been great pain here. It was where she lived, alone, all those times she put him in rehab. It was here she would bring him after a night or two in jail, or a stay in the hospital, or a night out in the nearby bars. It was here she would sit with him in the bathroom and cry, in between wiping his mouth after he puked and running a cool wash cloth over his face, his head in her lap.

Mostly though, there had been great, epic love in this house. Every time she walked in the door and saw him, it would take her breath away. They had grown up together in the music business and had built a love that had never truly been extinguished. No one knew her better than he did, even now, after all those years apart. They could talk to each other just with their eyes, just with each other's touch, and always in their bed. The past couple of months, since they'd been back together, had taken her back to that, and she had reveled in it. But now it was all gone.

"You got me back. Now you can go," he barked and then headed, unsteadily, towards the kitchen. She hurried after him, just in time to snatch the bottle of whiskey he pulled from a cabinet. He turned and glared at her. "Gimme that back," he shouted and reached for the bottle. She shoved him away, unscrewing the top off. She tipped it over, letting the liquid start to pour out in the sink. He made a growling noise as he tried to stop her, pulling at her arms and trying to push her out of the way, grabbing at the bottle. Just as it was almost empty, he came at her again and it fell from her hands and shattered in the sink. They both watched the last of the dark liquid go down the drain amidst the broken shards of glass. He fumed and his eyes were dark and his nostrils flared. "Get out of my house!" he snarled.

She turned to face him, hands on her hips. "I will not. I'm staying here until you've got all this out of your system and then we're going to talk about all of it."

"I ain't talking to you about nothing. Not ever again!" he shouted, then headed for the bedroom. She followed him, but he slammed the door in her face.

She hesitated. It was possible there was another bottle, or more, in there. Or maybe he would just pass out again and sleep it off. She listened and didn't hear anything, so she carefully opened the door. When she had it open enough to see inside, she could see through the front closet that he was sprawled out on the bed. She slid in the room, staying as quiet as she could. She heard him snoring, though, so she knew he was out of it. She methodically went through the room and then the bathroom, looking for any other bottles. She opened every drawer, looked on every shelf and into every cabinet, carefully scouring for bottles. Other than the half-empty one on the top of his toilet, she found none. She unscrewed the top and poured out the liquid, then took the empty bottle and quietly made her way out of the room, stopping just to look back at him.

She walked into the kitchen and tossed the bottle in the trash, then found her phone and called Cole. "You should not have left him here alone," she said, her voice terse, when he answered.

"He was supposed to meet me at a meeting."

She raised her eyebrows. "Clearly he didn't."

"Where was he?"

"He showed up at the Bluebird for Juliette's memorial for her mom. Except he was drunk and I had to drive him home. He's sleeping it off."

"Give me a minute and I'll come take over."

"Seriously?" She rolled her eyes. "You had your chance, Cole, and you failed him. _I'm_ going to do that now. The way I always have."

"Rayna…."

"No." She felt herself bristle. "I'm taking care of this. Good night, Cole." She disconnected and tossed her phone back into her purse. She walked over to the couch and settled herself there, covering up with the blanket. She reached for the remote and lifted it, turning on the TV and lowering the sound.

* * *

She woke up with a start, sitting up abruptly, the blanket sliding off onto the floor. The TV was still on, but it was an informercial. She muted it and shook her head, trying to get rid of the cobwebs. She blinked her eyes several times and breathed in deeply. She hadn't meant to fall asleep. Her heart was racing, but as she glanced over and saw the door to Deacon's bedroom still closed, she felt cautiously optimistic. She got up and padded over to the door. She opened it carefully and saw Deacon still on the bed. He had moved during the night, so that he was on his side. There was a dull light in the room from the digital clock, which read 4:05 AM. She pressed her hand on her chest over her heart and felt the hard beating start to slow down.

She stood, watching him. Had it just been a few days ago when she had woken up in his bed? Things were still good then. They hadn't been back long from the final pre-CMA leg of the tour. He had traveled with her, staying discreetly hidden away. When they had gotten back together, she stayed with him the weeks she didn't have the girls, then asked him to go on tour with her. Once she had him back in her life, she wanted to keep him there and, to be fair, he wanted to be there with her.

It had felt a lot like the early days, before his drinking got out of control, when it was still just the two of them and they lived on love and music. They fell back into old patterns – he was her best friend and they could talk about anything or nothing. He made love to her almost every night they were together and she had felt her body reawaken to what true intimacy felt like. The only thing that felt like it had changed was the fact that they were older and they found it didn't always have to include sex for them to feel connected. But now she felt cheated. Maybe she should have known better – God knows, Teddy had warned her – but she had taken Tandy's advice. _You're gonna do what you've been doing for years. You're not gonna say anything._ Only that hadn't worked.

Her emotions were all over the place. She was desperate to talk to him, to talk to Maddie, to fix this. But she wasn't even sure what that looked like. She felt disappointed that Deacon had turned to alcohol, but then she guessed he was probably disappointed in her too, for not telling him about Maddie. _I need you to tell me you haven't been lying to me every moment of the last thirteen years._ She felt a swift pain to her heart. She turned her thoughts to Maddie. _I understand it all. You lied to Deacon and to me._ She put her face in her hands and felt tears on her palms.

She quickly got control of herself, breathing in deeply, then breathing out slowly. It was a mess. And she had no one to blame, really, but herself. She didn't have to listen to Teddy and Tandy, all those years ago. She could have listened to her heart. But then she thought about watching Deacon inside the cabin, drinking and out of control, and she remembered why she had not. She had done the best she could for Maddie. She just needed to get both of them to understand that.

She didn't want to go back to sleep, so she quietly left the bedroom and carefully closed the door behind her. She walked through the rest of the house, looking for more bottles of whiskey. She checked all the places Deacon had used before – deep in the back of closets, in drawers and cabinets, even in the toilet tank in the guest bathroom. She breathed a sigh of relief when she didn't find anything else. He was only a couple days in, so it made sense he might not have fallen back into his old habits yet, of trying to hide his alcohol from her. There could have been some out back, but it was still dark. Plus he didn't have to hide it from her anymore. Or so he probably thought.

She walked back into the kitchen and started to make coffee. She could sure use it.

* * *

She was on her second cup of coffee – one she probably didn't need on an empty stomach – when she heard the bedroom door open. She resisted her instinct to get up and run into the great room. She forced herself to wait. When he rounded the corner and saw her, he frowned. "Thought I told you to get out," he said, his voice gruff and gravelly. "Leave me be." He looked like he always had, after a good long drunk. His hair was disheveled, his shirt wrinkled. He looked a little pale, but what she noticed most was the fury on his face and the hard set of his jaw. "Why are you still here?"

She took in a deep, long breath. "Because I needed to keep an eye on you. Make sure I don't need to take you to rehab or something," she said. She cleared her throat. "I needed to be sure you were okay. Because we _do_ need to talk."

He slowly made his way to the coffee maker and she caught him wince a bit, so she knew he likely had a powerful headache. As he poured coffee into the mug she'd put out for him, he huffed. "I don't need you to watch over me, Rayna. Or babysit me. And I sure as hell don't wanna talk to you. We got nothing to say to each other." He turned to look at her. "Never again."

She shook her head, calling up a strength she wasn't sure she really had at that point. "Actually, yes we do. No matter how it happened, you know we have a daughter. And we need to talk about _her_."

He turned away. "I can't talk about that. With you. We shoulda talked about that a long time ago." He looked back, a dark scowl on his face. "But we didn't. _You_ didn't. And now it's too late."

She raised her eyebrows. "Is it? Deacon, we need to figure out what to do now. How to get Maddie through this."

He looked incredulously at her. "You really don't get it, do you, Rayna? What you done." She was speechless, not sure how to respond. "You _humiliated_ me," he said, his voice low and filled with pain and hurt. "You _lied_ to me about a baby, let me believe it was Teddy's, when it was really mine. I _trusted_ you, Rayna. I've _always_ trusted you. And you betrayed me. I mean, I don't even know what to do with that right now, you know? The person I trusted the most in my life, who I believed would never deliberately betray me or lie to me, did just that." He shook his head, tears in his eyes. "It's too big for me to even get my mind around. The one thing I always counted on from you and it turns out you been lying to me all this time." He barked out a harsh laugh, shaking his head in disbelief. "And what you want is to get me to help you get Maddie through this? How can I even do that, when I ain't even got through it myself?"

She felt like she'd been punched in the stomach. She struggled to find her voice. He was staring at her, waiting for her to respond and she couldn't even formulate the words in her head, much less say them out loud. She struggled to breathe, watching him as he waited. He wasn't going to let her off the hook, that was obvious. And truthfully, he deserved some answers. She wasn't sure what to say, but she was going to have to start. She swallowed and then breathed in slowly. "I don't know, Deacon," she said, sounding more in control than she felt. "I just know we need to talk about this. And we're going to have to figure it out, together, one way or the other."

He shook his head. "I need you to go, Rayna," he snarled.

She shook her head. "I'm not going."

He stomped around the house, looking for his keys, she was sure. She had put them in her purse and had no plans to give them to him, at least not now. She wasn't sure how long she could do this though. She did need to go to Maddie at some point and try to talk to her. But she wasn't sure Deacon wouldn't go back to a bar or a liquor store and she just couldn't let him stay alone.

He came back into the living room, his face dark with anger. "So, what, you gonna hold me prisoner in my own house?" he asked, his voice tight.

She looked up at him. "I might," she said. "Right now I don't trust you."

"So we're back to that?"

She nodded. "Yeah, we are, Deacon." She stood up then. "You know, I really thought this was behind us. Or behind you. I don't know if you realize how hard this is to see you do this again. After all this time."

He rubbed his hands over his face, then rested his hands on his hips. "I _do_ get it, Rayna. I ain't proud of it. I know what I done. But I trusted you. Of all the people in my life and in spite of everything we been through and how long I had to watch you with someone else." His voice trailed off and then she saw him clench his jaw. He cleared his throat. "And then I find out you been hiding…Maddie from me. Hiding her in plain sight. Never planning to tell me."

"You don't know that," she protested. But deep down inside, she knew he was right. It had gone on for too long. The truth was that at this point there was no way to tell him that wouldn't lead them right to this place. She briefly considered that she might have made a serious error, back when Teddy offered to marry her, but then she dismissed it. She couldn't wrap her mind around the idea she'd made the wrong choice.

He worked his lip and she could see him fighting to stay in control. He didn't take his eyes off her. He looked up at the ceiling for a second, then back at her. "How's _she_ doing?" he asked.

She didn't know why, but his question surprised her. He'd been so angry and he'd let himself lose his sobriety, seemingly without a care for the collateral damage his fall off the wagon had left behind. Thinking about Maddie made her want to cry and she felt a lump in her throat. "Not great," she said, finally.

He seemed to consider that, then looked like the fight had drained out of him. "I don't want to cause her pain," he said. He sighed. He wasn't looking at her, just gazing off into the middle distance. "I wish I'd known, all that time."

Her initial instinct was to argue with him, tell him how the fact that he screwed up, not just once but over and over, was the reason he hadn't known. The reason she'd made a different decision where her daughter was concerned. A decision she'd felt solid with until he'd confronted her with the truth and then she'd seen how distraught Maddie was. She wanted Maddie to understand. She wanted Deacon to understand. All she'd wanted to do was protect their daughter, keep her safe. But the more times she said it to herself, or thought it, the more she realized how she'd played God with their lives. Or allowed Tandy and Teddy to play God. She'd been so torn back then. As many times as he'd hurt her, as many times as he disappointed her, she loved him. Just like she'd told him when she'd stood on his porch, not so long ago, it had never not been true that she loved him. It had broken her heart all those years ago and it still did now.

"I do too, Deacon," she said. He looked at her like he didn't believe her, and she didn't blame him. "I went to tell you. I know you don't know that." Now he looked surprised. "But you had left rehab and I found you at the cabin. You were a mess." She wrapped her arms around herself. "I had watched you do that over and over and I just couldn't imagine bringing a child into that."

He frowned. "You don't know if it woulda made a difference," he countered.

"You're right, I didn't know that. All I did know was that I had to put you back in rehab then. For the _fifth_ time." He looked away. "I tried so hard to fix you…."

He looked back at her, glaring harshly. "I never asked you to do that."

"I know you didn't. but I couldn't let you continue to go down that dark path, being chased by your demons." She bit down on her lower lip. "I knew I couldn't do it for you, that you had to do it for yourself, but I promised myself I would keep trying." She felt a tear trail down her cheek. "But I didn't know if you'd ever get it right."

"I did, though, Rayna. I got sober."

"I know you did. But how could I be sure it wouldn't happen again?" She sighed. "I couldn't take the chance then."

"Why didn't you tell me later?" he asked, sounding stubborn.

She took a deep breath. When she spoke, her voice was low and sad. "I knew that if I didn't tell you then, or when she was born, or sometime right after that, that I probably never could. How would I have explained it? I'm not sure your reaction would have been any different than it is now. Do you?" He looked away. "I'm sorry, Deacon, but I had to make a choice. I had to put _Maddie_ first, no matter how much it hurt. And it hurt me too. I wanted to tell you, so many times, but I'd lose my nerve, because I didn't know what it would lead to. It wasn't what I wanted." A few more tears streaked down her cheeks. "I wanted to _marry_ you, Deacon. Be your _wife_. Raise our daughter together. I cried every night for a year I wanted it so bad. But you weren't in any shape to do that. And so I took care of Maddie the best way I knew how." She could see the pain on his face, see the tears in his eyes. She felt a tightness in her chest. None of this was what she'd wanted.

He was silent for a long while, looking like he was turning everything over in his head. He finally looked back at her. "Maybe you're right about some of it. Maybe you're right about all of it. But it still wasn't the right thing to do. I know you know that. Even if I couldn't raise her, I should have known her, known who she was. You know I'm right about that, Rayna." He raised his hand up, then dropped it. "It ain't just me that's hurting, you know. She is too. And I don't know how to help her. She and me are just in this together." He breathed in and out, as though he was trying to ward off his emotions. "I trusted you, Rayna. Hell, I _loved_ you. Never stopped. Waited all this time, hoping something would change. And finally it did and there you were on my porch, telling me you loved me, and I didn't hesitate. I took you back, same as you did me. And then this." He spread his hands out. "I don't hardly know what I feel anymore. But it's like you cut my heart out. You took what I gave you and you kept lying to me. You were in my bed, telling me you loved me, and yet lying to me." He shook his head and then she heard the quiver in his voice that told her she might have gone too far. "I love you, Rayna, but right now I hate you. Hate you for what you done. Hate you for lying to me and to Maddie for all these years. Hate you for taking away the life we were supposed to have." He rubbed his face. "Maybe one day it won't hurt so much, but right now I feel like I ain't never hurt as much as I do now. You were the person I trusted, the only person I _ever_ trusted." He spread his arms out. "And now what do we do?"

She could feel the tears in her eyes. She could see his pain. She could feel it, even, deep in her soul, because that's where they were connected. She sat back down on the couch and put her face in her hands. _I don't know if I can ever make this right._ She looked back at him. "I'm sorry, Deacon. I know it's probably too little too late and I can't make it right. I can't go back and fix it. Maybe you'll never forgive me, and that's something I'll have to accept and live with. But I was young and I was scared and my baby's father was out of control and a mess and I had no idea what I was going to do. Teddy gave me a solution and I thought it made sense for everyone." She whisked the tears away from her cheeks. "I wish I had told you then. I wish I'd figured out how to do that." She rubbed her temples and then looked up at him. "I want to be angry with you. I _was_ angry with you. Then. You were unable to give us the life we needed. You were so caught up in your demons and trying to bury them and I just hated watching you destroy yourself. Because it was destroying me too." She got up and walked around the couch. "We both hurt each other, Deacon. And I get that you resent me for lying to you." She stopped and looked at him. "And I resent you too, but I realize now this isn't a contest about who has more resentment or anger or whatever. It's not about who has hurt each other the most."

She could see the rigidity in his face, but she also saw something else. Sorrow. Not the anger or the hate she'd seen up to this point, but a real sadness. "Then what _is_ it, Rayna?" he asked.

"It's about Maddie," she said. "It's about getting her through this. And helping the two of you navigate whatever relationship you want. I'm not going to make any assumptions there. I would need to know that she can count on you though, that you aren't going to turn your back on her."

He looked away, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply. She knew that meant he was thinking about what she'd said, turning it over and considering it. She felt more hopeful and she decided to wait him out. He finally turned back to her. "Okay, let's say I get why you might've been afraid or worried back then," he said, his voice sounding weary. She wrapped her arms around her waist, waiting. "Why didn't you at least tell me? Can you explain that?"

"I _did_ tell you why, Deacon. You couldn't stop drinking, no matter how hard you tried. I had to think about Maddie."

He put his hands on his hips and shook his head angrily. "You could have told me at some point, Rayna. Did you ever feel bad about that? When I'd been sober three years or five years or ten? Did you ever think you'd made a mistake? That you shoulda done it by then?"

She had considered that, in the immediate aftermath of him finding out. She had thought about it so many times when Maddie was growing up. When Deacon would sing with her or they would sit and talk on the bus or when he would hug her. It tore her up inside. "I thought about it almost every day," she said. "But look what happened now." She spread her hands out in front of her. "When you did find out, you didn't want to see her or talk to her." She could feel tears in her eyes and a lump in her throat. "You got drunk." He looked away. She cleared her throat. "She's such a beautiful girl, Deacon, and you know that. You've known her almost her whole life. And loved her. Did that change, now that you _do_ know the truth?"

He looked back at her and this time his eyes were sad. "No," he said, shaking his head. The word hung heavy in the room. "What changed was how I felt about _you_, after what you done." His voice was low and quiet, but filled with hurt and pain. It wasn't even so much anger anymore, she now realized. She had hurt him easily as badly as he'd ever hurt her. Maybe more.

She put her head down. She wasn't even sure what she wanted anymore. She wasn't sure she wanted him anymore – or that he wanted her – but if Maddie wanted to know him, as her father, she knew she would need to get past that enough to support Maddie in that endeavor. His words had cut her to the core. But she didn't want that to stand in the way.

She looked back at him. "I'm sorry about that, Deacon. I can't change it though. If I could go back and do it over, maybe I would have made different choices. But I didn't and I've gotta live with those choices. And the pain I caused you. But Maddie doesn't know any of that. She doesn't know what happened after the CMA's" – he looked up towards the ceiling – "and I'm not going to tell her. She doesn't need to know that part of your past. At least not now." He looked back at her with something close to gratefulness. "So do you want to spend time with her? Do you want to start down that path?"

"Now?"

"Maybe not right now. You need to get back on your program, start that over, show me you can do it. But I don't want to be the person who stands in your way. Or Maddie's. Now that it's out there, we need to see where that leads us."

"You gonna talk to her?"

She nodded. "I'm going to Teddy's and hopefully bring her home." She twisted her hands in front of her. "But I'm afraid to leave you here…."

"I'll call Cole," he said.

She didn't feel good about that. "I don't know, Deacon. You led him to believe you were okay. And you weren't. And as a recovering alcoholic himself, he should have known better. So I'm not sure I trust him." She took a deep breath. "Would you be okay with Bucky coming over?"

He frowned. "I don't need no babysitter, Rayna."

She arched an eyebrow. "I might take issue with you on that, but no, not to babysit, just to be there to talk to. Bucky knows you, Deacon. Knows your history. Cares about you." She paused. "Just until you feel like you're on solid ground."

He was silent for a long time. Finally he cleared his throat. "Okay," he said, his voice low and quiet.

She nodded and tried to smile. "Alright. I'll call him. And then I'll wait out there until he gets here." She nodded towards the front porch. He just lifted his chin slightly in agreement. She picked up her purse from the coffee table and walked towards the door, then stopped and turned to him. She put a hand on his arm and felt him tense up. She understood. "Thanks, Deacon. Let's give it a little time and see where we are. And you really think about this and be sure you're all in." She sighed. "I'm worried about all this, Deacon. I need you to know that. It's out there now and we can't pretend it's not, but I have to know you won't close the door on her. Do you understand?"

He gave her a tight nod. "Yeah. I do."

She pointed towards the front porch. "I'll be there, until Bucky comes. You let me know when you've decided what you want to do. Just remember, though, that no matter what, she's your daughter and she knows that now and I think she's going to want to figure this out. With you. So I want you to be sure." She turned then and headed for the door, opening it and stepping back out onto the porch. She stood for a moment, wondering if she was doing the right thing, wondering what would come of all of it in the end. Finally, she reached into her purse and pulled out her phone. She found Bucky's contact information and tapped it, then lifted the phone to her ear.


	4. Chapter 4

_**3 months later**_

She felt nervous. She knew she didn't need to, but she still did. She'd known Deacon Claybourne basically her whole life. At least the life that had counted. He was the love of her life, although she also knew that didn't mean they were meant to be together. They'd hurt each other in ways both big and small, but this time it was the hurt she'd inflicted on him that separated them. She walked around the kitchen island and picked up a dishtowel, wiping down a counter that didn't need it. She tried to push the nervousness away, but it lingered.

_We have a daughter together._ She'd said that to him not even a week earlier. She had waited for him to let her know he was ready, that he wanted to try this new relationship with Maddie. But he hadn't. And it had made her angry. Maddie had not said a lot about him, other than asking some questions. It had been a lot of stop and start. She'd ask a question, then a few more, and then she'd shut down. It hadn't all been easy since Maddie had come home, but they had been rebuilding their relationship.

Maddie had been in her room that night, listening to music. Her daughter had always been a headstrong, stubborn girl, but it was like the fight had gone out of her, ever since she'd found out Deacon was her father. She was quieter, spent more time in her room, by herself. It had been tough to watch, but she'd used some restraint and not tried to force her to talk. She had sensed some wistfulness though, especially around the time of Teddy's wedding.

_She walked up to Maddie's door and watched her daughter. She was bent over a book, her ear buds in. Her heart ached to see her so uncertain. Life had become so complicated, for both of them. Maddie still got angry at her sometimes, but it had begun to ease off. She had learned that answering Maddie's questions honestly and compassionately helped. She walked over and sat on Maddie's bed. She held out a bowl of popcorn. "I made popcorn," she said, when Maddie looked at her. "We could watch a movie, if you want."_

_Maddie looked at her sadly. "I'd really rather read."_

_She smiled through her disappointment. This obviously was going to be one of Maddie's introspective periods, where she pulled inside herself and shut out the outside world. _So much like Deacon_, she thought. "Okay," she said, with a little smile. She picked up the ear bud Maddie had taken out. "Mind if I listen?"_

_Maddie nodded. "Go ahead."_

_When she put the ear bud in, she wasn't surprised to hear Deacon's album, the one he'd recorded years earlier. The one that had tanked right when her career was taking off. It had always made her sad. She had loved that album and had been so proud of him. When it failed, he'd gone down the rabbit hole, into that dark place that always scared her. Maddie then turned her attention away from the music._

"_Mom, do you think Deacon will ever look at me the way Dad looks at Daphne?" There was no anger in her voice, no judgment. Just an earnest plea from a young girl still struggling with the way her life had been turned upside down._

_She grasped Maddie's hands. "I don't have an answer to that right now, sweetheart. I believe he will. I hope he will." She felt pain in her heart. "I'm so sorry, Maddie, that this has caused you even an ounce of pain. But I promise we'll get through this. Together."_

_Maddie nodded. "You said that when you married Dad, it was to give me a father who would love me." She hesitated. "Did you think Deacon wouldn't love me?"_

_That caught her off-guard. She was still not asking in an angry way or as though she wanted to inflict pain and it made her heart hurt all the more for the damage this had caused. She shook her head. "No, no, of course not, sweetheart." She breathed in deeply. "Actually I think Deacon would have loved you very much. in fact, I __know__ he would have. He's always loved you, so I have no doubts about that. But it was a very complicated time."_

"_I know," Maddie interrupted. "I know he was an alcoholic. I read it on the internet. Is that why?"_

_She wasn't sure exactly how to answer. She took a second and then said, "He had a lot of problems. Things that had happened to him when he was growing up, hurtful things. But he was – __is__ – a loving person. He loved me very much back then and yes, he absolutely would have loved you. It was really never about that, Maddie."_

_Maddie didn't say anything for a few minutes, as though she were processing things. "Do you think he would want to see me now?"_

_She swallowed hard. "I think he might. Would you like me to call him and see if we can go over and see him?" Maddie had tears in her eyes as she nodded._

And that was how they ended up where they were. She was waiting for Maddie to get dressed so they could head over to the Bluebird to meet him. She had smiled when he had suggested it, because she thought that was probably the most perfect place to do this. They both loved music and it would give them a starting point as they found their way to this new relationship.

It made her wonder then what was taking so long. She headed for the back stairs. "Maddie, are you ready yet?" she asked, standing at Maddie's door.

Maddie stomped out of her closet, a frown on her face, looking near tears. She threw her arms out to the side, looking frustrated. "Nothing I have is right," she wailed. "It's all wrong."

She walked over and put her arms around Maddie. "Sweetheart, you're just going to hear Deacon sing at the Bluebird. It doesn't have to be complicated." She felt Maddie's tension ease a bit as she held her close.

"I know," she said, her voice sounding small, like it did when she was young. She stepped back and looked down at Maddie. "I just want him to, you know, not think I'm a dork or something."

She looked at Maddie for a second and then laughed happily, something she felt like she hadn't done in a long time. "Oh, honey, he is absolutely not going to think you're a dork. Or something." She put her hands on Maddie's shoulders and turned her back to the closet. "Let's go find something together."

* * *

She was back downstairs, waiting for Maddie to put on the outfit they'd chosen. She wondered if Deacon had the same butterflies she did, and that Maddie did. He'd known Maddie, and loved her, her whole life, something that weighed heavier than it otherwise might have. He'd made great progress in the last few months, working his program and getting back on track. He had a new sponsor and that seemed to have reenergized him. She wondered if the friendship with Cole and how he was intertwined with her hadn't contributed somehow to Cole's uncharacteristic inattention, that night of the CMA's. it was still a point of contention between her and Deacon about how she'd handled everything then. Even thinking about the fact that he'd known her and loved her, never knowing she was his, had been hard to work around, for both of them.

"_How do I become somebody's father, Rayna? Tell me that. I known her all her life, as you keep telling me, but when I think about it, all it makes me is mad. I go back and I think about all those years and I can't even process it sometimes." He was pacing back and forth in his living room. _

_Maddie had been acting out a bit, struggling herself with the complicated feelings she had. They had been at the Symphony Ball with her father, Daphne and Tandy, when Teddy and Peggy had arrived. Maddie's feelings were all right below the surface and she would lash out, alternately, between Teddy and her, the people she blamed for causing this mess. When Maddie had been confronted with the reality of Teddy and Peggy getting married, she had taken off._

_As they'd frantically searched for Maddie, she had stopped by Deacon's to warn him she might show up. She had not, after all, choosing to reach out to Juliette Barnes instead, but she had gone back to talk to Deacon, trying to get a sense of his intentions around Maddie. She'd had some time to think about the consequences of the actions she'd taken when she'd found out she was pregnant. She'd taken a hard look at her motivations and the impact they'd had on all three of them. She'd tried to put herself in Deacon's shoes and consider the depth of his hurt. She looked at him then, hearing the residual anger and the deep hurt that were still there. She sighed. "I understand," she said. "I did think about what it might do to Maddie to tell her the truth, but I didn't think about what it would do to you, and for that I'm so very sorry." He looked surprised. "I can't undo it, though, much as I might wish I could. All I can do is try to move forward, try to somehow make it right. For both of you."_

_He breathed in and let it out slowly. As he did, it seemed like the tension left his body and he seemed uncertain of what to do next. "I don't know how to be a father, Rayna. You know that." His voice sounded weary and defeated. He looked down at his feet. "I don't want to mess this up."_

_She clenched her hands together and ran her tongue over her lower lip. "I'm worried, Deacon," she said. He looked up at her. "I'm worried about her. I can't let you hurt her. I worry that you'll shut the door on her and I can't risk that." She sighed. "You're not your father, Deacon," she said softly. "You have a heart your father never did. You may have taken on his disease, but you are not him. But you do have a history of walking away when things get tough. And you aren't going to be able to walk away from her if it gets to be too much. So I need you to think about that."_

She crossed her arms and walked towards the den, perching on the couch. It still worried her, even now. She had watched him pull inside himself in the past, escape when life became too much for him. She remembered her own pain, her own hurt, every time he'd done it. She remembered how, whenever things got real, he shut down. Which was what she didn't want for her daughter. _Their_ daughter, she corrected herself. Everything she had worried about had come true, when he'd confronted her at the CMA's. He had walked away, leaving her to worry, as she'd done so many times before. He had gone to a bar and gotten drunk, seemingly hell-bent on losing his sobriety for possibly the last time. She realized she had fallen back into her old patterns with him – worrying, bargaining, crying, pleading – and then she'd caught herself. She'd been doing what she had promised herself she would never do again, when she had left him for the last time all those years ago. She wasn't a young woman anymore, seriously out of her depth, even though she tried everything she could. She had put up with a lot for him, run herself into the ground protecting him, working hard to close the doors around the two of them and their life together. She wasn't doing that again. She had saved him again this time, but then she had walked away. Put an end to it quickly. Of course, he wasn't begging her to stay this time either. He had pushed her away, bitterly angry at her.

While she had waited on him, she spent her time working to repair the relationship with Maddie. She was relieved that, although Maddie asked a lot of questions in the beginning, she didn't seem inclined to do more right away. She felt more protective than ever about her daughter, but she also promised herself – and Maddie – that she would be honest going forward.

_They were sitting in the kitchen, during the time when Maddie was grounded after leaving the Symphony Ball. "So tell me how Deacon ended up writing A Life That's Good for you," Maddie prompted, a shy smile on her face._

_She thought about that, so long ago. She thought about how she'd felt back then, what it had felt like the night she'd met him, and in those early days when everything was good and they were in love. She smiled. "He wrote it on a napkin one night at the Bluebird Café," she said. "He told me he was inspired to write it just by looking at me." She was surprised to find that she still felt those giddy feelings of brand new love, even all these years later. It was a memory she always cherished, because it was sweet and pure and he'd been so sincere. She looked at Maddie, who she could tell was caught up in the romance of it. "I think I fell in love with him inside of ten minutes."_

_Maddie sat back. "That's so romantic," she said, almost wistfully._

_She nodded. "it was. I never thought I would have met the man I wanted to live my life with when I was sixteen years old."_

"_Why did it all go wrong?"_

_She looked down at her hands, then back at Maddie. "Oh, honey, there was a lot going on. He had a very hard life growing up. He tried to put it behind him, but I think when you grow up with that kind of…pain in your life, it's hard to put it away. He tried to cover up his pain with alcohol and it just…." She wasn't sure how far she wanted to go with it, just yet anyway. Maddie knew Deacon was an alcoholic, but he'd been sober for so long that she didn't want that to define him for her. "I always loved him, Maddie. No matter what." She sighed. "I __still__ love him. But I think it's really a different love now." She reached across the table for Maddie's hand. "Right now, I just want to concentrate on you. And when you feel it's time for you to explore that more, we'll do it. Okay?"_

_Maddie nodded. "Okay," she said softly._

She hadn't asked though. At least not in those words. But she had known, when she had asked about how Deacon felt about her, that it was time. For both of them. For _all_ of them.

"Do I look okay?" Maddie's voice, from behind her, startled her from her thoughts, and she turned. What Maddie was wearing wasn't anything special, just her normal style. A crew neck t-shirt and jeans and a little short sleeved jacket over it. She'd pulled her hair back off her face, accentuated with just a touch of makeup. Maddie had started wearing contacts and whenever she looked at her daughter now, it made her smile. Maddie had always been beautiful, in her eyes, but she seemed so much more confident in herself these days. It was surprising what a pair of contacts could do to someone's confidence, but it made her happy for Maddie.

She stood up and clasped her hands at her chest, smiling. "Oh, my gosh, sweetie, you look beautiful," she said. Maddie blushed a little. "You do. Really." She knew Maddie compared herself to her, thinking she'd missed out on something in the looks department. She would talk about looking like her father, meaning Teddy, but it had always caught her in the heart, because she actually _did_ look like her father. _Deacon._ It had always taken her breath away when she'd thought about it and she was actually glad Maddie and Deacon were going to get to know each other, finally, as father and daughter. It caught her a little by surprise to realize how happy that made her.

"Do you think Deacon will think so too?" The look in Maddie's eyes made her want to hug her daughter. She wanted her to know she didn't have to impress Deacon. He already loved her and now he would love her more. She was sure of that.

"Of course he will, baby," she said. She smiled happily at Maddie. "Let's get going, okay?"

* * *

They slid into their seats just as Deacon came out on stage. He wasn't an announced performer, but the regulars welcomed him warmly. Deacon had told her he'd stayed away from the Bluebird since finding out about Maddie, that his brief lapse had made him feel unworthy. But it seemed like a good place to start the journey and she had agreed. She watched Maddie as he got up on the stage and talked about the Bluebird being home and how he'd stayed away because he was a little afraid to come back. _But even though I haven't been around, that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about this moment every single day._ The tone of his voice and the way he looked at Maddie told her those words were meant for her. It brought tears to her eyes and gave her hope that they would be able to build the bridge and create this new relationship between the two of them. Maddie's hopeful smile as she looked back at him told her that Maddie wanted that too.

When his set was over and the room finally started to clear out, he came over to their table. "I'm sorry," he said. "Can I join y'all?"

"Of course," she said and watched him as he sat. He seemed to not be able to take his eyes off Maddie. That's when she got up. "Hey, I'm going to go get another round of root beers, okay?"

Maddie looked up at her. "And chicken fingers?"

She smiled. "And chicken fingers." She patted Maddie on the shoulder. "I'll be right back." She walked over to the bar and put in the order, then stood watching the two of them. She felt an ache in her heart as she wondered if she'd made a mistake all those years ago. If she'd deprived them both of the chance to build their relationship from the beginning. She'd hurt both of them, that she knew, and it was clear to her that perhaps all their lives could have played out very differently, had she made different choices. She also knew, though, that she couldn't change the past. All she could do was be supportive as the two of them navigated the future together.

As she continued to watch, Deacon caught her eye for a second, and she could see both his gratitude and his determination to do this right. She smiled and wondered if maybe the two of them could rebuild their own relationship in the process.

_**THE END**_

_A/N: So something happened as I was writing this story – I just ran out of gas. I wanted to wrap this up, though, and not just leave things unfinished. I had planned more for this, but I found I couldn't imagine the story any further, so I'm ending it now. It feels like I've written everything I could for Deacon and Rayna and now it's time to wrap it up. I realized that I really didn't have anything left to say. I haven't lost the love I have for Deacon and Rayna but I feel like my bucket is empty. _

_Thanks to all of you who read my stories over the years and reviewed or followed or favorited them. It was my pleasure to do it but it just feels like the right time to end. Selah._


End file.
